A letter to the narcissist who destroyed me

She has very kindly allowed me to share her original article with you from her site, Lucky Otters Haven where you will find other excellent writings about narcissism. The advice given here by the True Self is almost the polar opposite of whatever their False Self would tell you. Always follow the advice of their True Self, no matter how much they protest and rage, unless you want further abuse. I have lied to you about nearly everything.

I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you. I just cannot feel your pain. I became a narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I was also never given a good example of how to become a good person.

I never had anyone to model in a positive way. Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me. I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I reached a point where I had to make a choice.

In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity. I had to sell my soul. In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing.The advice given here by the True Self is almost the polar opposite of whatever their False Self would tell you.

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Always follow the advice of their True Self, no matter how much they protest and rage, unless you want further abuse. I have lied to you about nearly everything. I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you.

I just cannot feel your pain. I became a narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I was also was never given a good example of how to become a good person. I never had anyone to model in a positive way. Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me.

I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I reached a point where I had to make a choice. In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity.

a letter to the narcissist who destroyed me

I had to sell my soul. In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing. I act like I love myself but I really hate myself. I only love the mask I wear. I abuse you to protect that mask.This impersonal, cold, distant pronoun.

Letter from a narcissist’s “true self”

Is the sun still shining brightly through your windows? Or did you cover them up with dark curtains to avoid the light—to live in the darkness like I do? You leeched off of me. You sucked me dry. You destroyed me. You moved on to the next one.

Oh, that poor girl. She has no idea. She thinks you are the best there is.

Open Letter To An Abusive Narcissist

She thinks you wear your heart on your sleeve. She thinks she has found the one. Nothing was ever about me, was it? Everything was about you. If you had a bad day, I had to suffer. You had such power over me. You were convincing me of things that are not real. You brainwashed me. You turned me into an obedient little puppet.

a letter to the narcissist who destroyed me

You never managed to at least pretend you are not in love with yourself. Although I blame you for a lot of things, I blame myself, too. I should have known what was going on. Actually, I did know what was going on, but I refused to believe it. I refused to acknowledge that was happening to me. I tried to make the two of us work.

You were a challenge to me and I never walk away from a challenge. I thought I could change you. Boy, did I get it wrong. I was addicted to you. You were my fix.Reflections on loving and living with a Narcissist. Let our experts guide you toward the healing power of moving on and allowing yourself some time in the spotlight. Get advice on healing from his behavior and finding yourself again.

In a world with so much beauty and so much love, how did I end up in a relationship that lacked each one of those? Tears, hatred, guilt, blame, anger, resentment - these are not words of love, and these are not words that build up a relationship. These are words that can crumble a mountain and end a marriage. I remember back to the day when we first met.

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You became my instant friend. Through all these years, you gave me beautiful children who have the most amazing personalities, each unique to themselves, but these gifts of human life are the only thing I was blessed with in this marriage. I was given emotional pain, verbal and hateful words, and an unapologetic lifestyle. Just this once, I want you to look into my soul, give me this moment, this day in time without your brutish glares, feel my tears, feel my pain and understand what you took from me.

I never will be. I lied. I hid things. I shut down to avoid you. I told you want you wanted to hear instead of what I truly felt. But I loved the idea of it. I loved the idea of you. Or the idea of everything you could give me. So I ignored the panic in my heart. And every time I chose to ignore it. Because the rest? The rest of it is on you. You have no idea how many times you have stolen pieces of me, leaving me at times wondering how much left of me there really was and if my life was even worth living beyond those moments.

A Goodbye Letter?

Thoughts of ending my life often felt like the biggest reliefs. I was held under water, where my breaths of life disappeared each and every moment you took it upon yourself to suffocate me with your hurtful words, the unappreciative demeanor you carried about yourself and the shame you cast upon me.

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You devalued me. The way you would say unimaginably horrible things to me, and mock me as I cried. And then I would always forgive and forget, every single time.

How could I have been so weak? So easily manipulated? How dare someone say the things you said to me, and how dare I let those words sink into my soul? I let those demeaning phrases take hold of me. I let them convince me that I was everything you told me I was.The last four never got anything at this stage, I just disappeared and the first they knew that I was no longer interested in them was when they saw me parading my new acquisition. Still, they brought it on themselves or at least that is what I keep telling myself because after all, nothing is my fault is it?

So, here is your letter. Yes, this is a Dear John letter, a missive designed to tell you that our entanglement is now at an end for now — more on that later and that I am now romantically involved with somebody else.

Just as an aside, did you know that they originated from letters sent to soldiers by their unfaithful wives. Yes, brave Johnny was out there fighting the good fight whilst his Mrs was shacked up with Johnny-Come-Lately and she decided that rather than wait for Johnny to come home from the front she would choose Johnny Come Lately who was stationed in her home town. Seems our kind did not even suspend operations because of World War Two. Anyway, I digress. Yes, this letter is to tell you that you and I are no more.

The simple reason is you are no use to me anymore. I know it seems damned unfair but my needs are all that matter you see. You gave it a good shot; I will give you that I suppose.

You lasted longer than the one before, whatever her name was. I know in between the tears and the confusion when you read this letter you will be wondering why on earth have I done this after everything that you have done for me.

You see, it is exactly that kind of selfish thinking that put a hex on you and me. Well, actually, we probably would because so far no matter what anybody has managed to do, I have always found them to be lacking eventually and had my head turned by somebody else.

It always seems to happen and it cannot be my fault can it? I mean I chased you, made you feel special and did all the tickling, hair-twirling and sweet nothings, you got a good time, come on you have to admit it. Oh I know things went sour afterwards but I have already written to you about that, do you have to go on about it? There you go again. Me, me, me. Never a thought for how I might feel.

Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence?

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Oh you do. I daresay you are wondering why I have chosen someone now rather than try and work things out with you or at the very least agree to an amicable split before looking for a new victim. Well, it is a fair question I suppose.

I have had the new person lined up for a while. She is a right cracker, going to give me lots of emotional attention, better than you ever did. I could list all the things that she is and which you are not, but I cannot be bothered to do it now, I am too excited about spending time with my new toy, er I mean partner. Nothing to do with me as everything is in your name, but I suppose it will give you something to concentrate on alongside wondering what has just happened.Communication with a narcissist is beyond frustration.

A narcissist is more interested in dominance than collaboration and your hopeful attempts usually come with the hefty price tag of emotional and mental health. A proper letter does not ask anything of a narcissist for a narcissist only gives as means to assert power. Your words can serve as a Love Letter to your Authentic Self. This real you is what a narcissist most fears. My letter is written in support of all who have experienced narcissistic abuse.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below. Over many years, I became familiar with your contradictory language, your avoiding glance and dower stare.

Your narcissistic diatribe was crazy-making and toxic. My dear brain was traumatised. After enduring self-hatred and shame so profound that I literally threw-up for eights years, I am now whole.

a letter to the narcissist who destroyed me

With haughty conviction, you tried to undermine my voice, my lovability, my happiness and self-esteem. I lived. Inevitably, no contact. After you, my life began an upward ascent to clarity.

I now breathe fully with all of my lungs—not just the top one-third. Upon reclamation of my voice, I determine what I am willing to give and not to give. I no longer give you my indecisiveness, my uncertainly, power over my opinion, overriding superiority, upset of my feelings, a demand to be honored, nor, control over time.

I no longer extend to you a desire to be loved or nourished. I no longer yearn for empathy or co-creativity or a real conversation, a heart-to-heart. I remove the narcissistic supply you fed upon when watching your youngest child self-comfort by incessantly rocking back-and-forth in the car and rocking in bed until she fell asleep. When sleeping outside your bedroom door in fear of not being good enough to save if the house burned down at night.

I no longer give you anger for killing my animal friends. I turned to them for comfort.

a letter to the narcissist who destroyed me

They kept me alive inside so I could breathe from the channel that serves as pathway home to love. I no longer give you my hyper-vigilant state, a distraught central nervous system and overworked adrenals.

I no longer allow you to disrespect me, emotionally abuse me nor deny your words and make me wrong. I no longer give disdain at your stoic inability to really see me. You missed out. You had a daughter who is generous of heart and beneficent of spirit. I do not give you an opportunity to yet again stab my heart.

Even as death hovers and the golden child awaits conveyance of financial kingdom.I am the girl whose heart you broke into a thousand tiny pieces. I am the girl whose hopes you shattered so nonchalantly.

I am the girl that loved you with all her heart and soul. The girl that wanted to make you happy. The girl that was ready to do anything for you. I am the girl that believed you felt about her the way she felt about you. The girl that believed you were different. And here I am — talking to you — the person that is no longer a part of my life. The person that emotionally ruined me.

I never truly understood why you treated me the way you did. I never understood what I did to deserve your indifference. Your manipulations. Your twisted mind games. Your lies. All I wanted to do was give you the love I believed you were worthy of. I wanted to make you feel happy and fulfilled, but you destroyed my happiness instead.

Letter From a Narcissist’s “True Self”

You convinced me that you loved me. That you cared about me. But all that was a huge lie. Instead, you were in love with the way I made you feel. You were in love with the kindness and compassion I treated you with. You liked the way I talked to you.


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